Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
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If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.