ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
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Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.