Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
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I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
How to properly lift a body
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song