pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
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Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I know this now 😂
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.