[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
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it is time once again
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.