On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
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Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
B
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.