VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
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Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Pigeon open mic night.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
no their not
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.