Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
You Might Also Like
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
It was worth a shot 😂