Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
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what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
When he asks for feet pics
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
This fish is cracking me up
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.