Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
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This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out