A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
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I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
it’s the silliest best thing
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe