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Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
No, he would not have.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
what day is it?
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”