windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
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my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I’m dying louder than usual today.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.