Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
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[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
how was your vacation
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Florida be like…
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys