me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
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[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?