Saint West, the patron of selfies
You Might Also Like
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
🤣🤣
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
#dnd #ttrpg
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.