Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
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Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
That’s easy for you to say
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Planet of the Apps.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore