My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
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Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby