If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
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Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I only eat vegetarians.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave