I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
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IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.