Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
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Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”