I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
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The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.