Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
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[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.