Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
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You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
catch me on valentine’s day like
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.