I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
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If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
The pen is writier than the sword.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.