VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
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Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
#ParentingFacts
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.