His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
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No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
(Musicians.)
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.