WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
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Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”