The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
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Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
when you are just born a rebel
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
why count sheep when I can count my troubles