On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
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A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Perfect.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
is this meant to deter me
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.