Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
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October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back