A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
*mops up wine with cat*
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆