I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
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I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.