Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
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The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
My purse is deeper than some people.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Spring of Deception
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
“OMGJK” -atheists
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.