Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
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I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
shit, they caught us—run!!!
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
A lot of folks out there missing the point…