Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
You Might Also Like
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Me if I was a dog
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Cheers Twitter.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.