I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
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Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.