sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
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Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Me trying to walk in a dream
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.