Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
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Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.