POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
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“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
CRYING
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.