my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
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Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?