Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
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11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched