Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
You Might Also Like
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Not😆🤣
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way