If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
You Might Also Like
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
just got my engagement photos
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare