Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
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Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.