The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
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You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore