Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
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Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside