I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
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Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
figuring out my emotional availability:
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened