Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
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Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.