me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
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Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or